Live from Chipotle Mexican Grill… it’s Tuesday night live!
We walk in, hungry, hopeful, ready to make responsible life choices like “extra protein.” And immediately, we realize… this isn’t a restaurant. This is a crime scene. Every table? Taken. Not by people, but by leftovers. Rice. Lettuce. A lone chip holding on for dear life. It looked like the Avengers fought Thanos here and lost… badly.
So I do what any citizen turned hero would do. I approach the front and ask Micah, “Hey, any chance someone could wipe down a table?” And Micah hits me with the classic, “Yeah, absolutely.” Strong start. Confident. Emmy worthy delivery.
We step aside. We wait. We wait longer. At one point I started thinking, “Is this immersive theater? Are we in the skit right now?”
Five minutes in, it becomes clear. No one is coming. This is now a self service cleaning experience. So we grab napkins, because apparently that is the company issued equipment, and we get to work. And I am not saying we nailed it, but if there were a Yelp category for first time amateur table sanitation, we are a solid 4 stars.
We finally sit down, and I am thinking, “Okay, now that we have jump started the system, the team will take over.” Nope. For the next 25 minutes, nothing. No wipes. No sprays. No sense of urgency. It was like watching a nature documentary. “And here we see the untouched table, thriving in its natural habitat.”
Now, the drink station. Oh, the drink station. This was not a drink station. This was a challenge. Napkins everywhere like it just snowed indoors. Sticky spills that have clearly achieved residency. Straw wrappers scattered like someone lost a confetti cannon fight. And the trash can? The trash can was not full, it had ambition. It had layers. Geological layers.
At one point I half expected David Attenborough to narrate:
“Here we see the elusive soda lid, navigating the treacherous terrain of spilled lemonade…”
Using it felt like unlocking a bonus level. You do not just get a drink, you survive the experience.
On the way out, I swing back up front and mention it again. Polite response, which I appreciate. But the dining room? Still fully committed to the bit.
All jokes aside, this matters. Clean tables and a maintained drink area are not extras. They are baseline expectations. Especially for families who came to eat, not to pick up a part time shift.
But hey, if this is the new model, let’s lean into it:
“Chipotle: Build Your Own Burrito… and Your Own Dining Experience.”
Rewards program idea?
Clean one table, free chips
Clean three tables, chips and guac
Clean five tables, burrito
Clean the drink station, keys to the store