JO
Johan Van Oldenbarnevelt
Sep 15, 2026
The Raid of the white bucket. By Thor’s rattling teeth, the great hunger had overtaken my shield-wall! My stomach bellowed like a wounded frost giant. I steered my longship (a 2018 Honda Civic) into the glowing, red-and-white village of Kentucky Fried Chicken.I breached the heavy glass doors, my boots echoing like thunder. I did not see a king upon the throne, but rather a silver-bearded jarl pinned to the wall, grinning a maddening, frozen smile beneath his spectacles. They call him The Colonel.I slammed my gold upon the counter and demanded their greatest bounty: The 10-Piece Feast of the Original Recipe! The youth behind the counter trembled, his eyes wide with the terror of a man facing a berserker. He handed over a massive cardboard chalice, heavy with the flesh of conquered birds. The Feast of ValhallaI. I retreated to a plastic bench, drew my hunting knife, and plunged my hands into the bucket. By Odin’s missing eye, the sorcery of this fowl is absolute! It is shellacked in a sacred glaze of 11 secret herbs and spices—surely stolen from the high gardens of Asgard itself. The skin crackled in my jaws like the breaking of Saxon shields. The grease flowed down my beard like mead at a victory feast. For ten glorious minutes, I felt the blood-lust spike in my veins. I swallowed the mashed potatoes and gravy, a lukewarm, glorious mud that gave me the strength of a hundred tanners.But then, I struck the bread-rations. The biscuit.A curse upon the baker! It was as dry as the sands of the southern lands. A single bite absorbed every drop of moisture in my throat, parching me instantly as if I had swallowed a handful of ash from a pillaged monastery. I was forced to guzzle an entire horn of Mountain Dew just to keep my soul from leaving my mortal vessel. I finished the final bone, snapping it in twain to suck the sweet marrow. But as I wiped the glorious poultry oil from my whiskers, a sudden, heavy darkness fell upon me. The Food Coma. The terrible, silent assassin of the West. My limbs turned to lead. My eyelids grew as heavy as iron gates. The sodium surged through my blood like a raging sea during the autumn equinox. I collapsed back into the plastic booth, completely paralyzed by my own gluttony, unable to reach my broadsword. Suddenly, the fluorescent torches above flickered and died. The scent of fryer oil grew violently cold. Through the shadows of the restaurant, a heavy thumping sound approached my booth. Thump... thump... thump...I forced my heavy eyes open. Standing over me was a spectral figure in a blinding, snow-white tunic, holding a cane carved from the bones of a thousand roosters. He leaned close, his white goatee twitching, and whispered a dark riddle into my ear:"The feast is done, warrior... but you have not paid the blood price in the restroom. Prepare your plumbing for Ragnarok. "My bowels let out a thunderous roar of sheer terror, but my body refused to move