PB
Patrick Bateman
Oct 26, 2025
I am leaning back in my chair, my fingers steepled. On the screen of my laptop, the Panera Bread website glows, a study in benign, rustic-chic typography. I had a business lunch today, but it was a solitary one. An imperative. I was starving.
Let’s start with the location. The Panera in New Haven is acceptably clean. The floors are a non-threatening, polished hardwood, the lighting is a diffused, inoffensive amber, and the ambient noise is a carefully engineered hum of white noise and soft rock, probably chosen by a demographic consultant in St. Louis. It’s not Dorsia, but it’s not… some ghastly food court atrocity, either. It will do.
I approached the counter. The staff here is a problem. A young woman with a name tag that read “Chloe” greeted me with a smile that showed too many teeth. It was a vacant, practiced smile, the kind you see on flight attendants or kindergarten teachers. “Hi there! How are you doing today?” she asked, her voice a saccharine melody. I was doing… well, I was doing quite well, actually. My suit is a Giorgio Armani, my business cards are bone-colored, Roman-type, and I had just closed the Henderson account. But her question wasn’t a real question. It was a corporate-mandated vocalization, a hollow pleasantry. I find that sort of faux-friendliness deeply irritating. It lacks substance. It lacks truth. Just give me my food. Don’t pretend you care.
I ordered the Tuna Salad Sandwich on Brioche and the French Onion Soup in the Sourdough Bread Bowl. I was very clear. Very precise. She repeated it back with that same cloying enthusiasm. “Excellent choice!” Was it? Or was it just a choice? There’s a difference.
I took a seat by the window, overlooking the New Haven street. I could see my own reflection, pale and serious, a monument of control amidst the pedestrian chaos. When the food arrived, I was prepared to be disappointed. I was prepared to document every failure.
But… I wasn’t.
The Tuna Salad Sandwich was… perfect. The tuna was a consistent, creamy texture, with just the right amount of celery for a structural crunch. No rogue onions. The brioche was soft, yielding, but not soggy. It held its form. It was a coherent, well-engineered product. I ate it with a methodical precision, each bite identical to the last. It satisfied a deep, cellular hunger. I could feel the proteins realigning.
The soup, however, was the main event. The French Onion Soup arrives in a cavernous sourdough bowl, the cheese a single, molten, golden-brown sheet stretched over the top. It’s a presentation that implies structural integrity. I broke through the cheese with my spoon—a satisfying, viscous tear—and excavated a portion of the bread-soaked broth. The flavor was robust, a deep, caramelized umami, the Gruyère providing a salty, fatty counterpoint. The sourdough itself, once penetrated by the soup, became a savory, steaming pudding. It was efficient. It was complete. There was no waste. I consumed every last gram of carbohydrate and protein. I even ate the bowl. The entire, hollowed-out sourdough vessel. It was gone.
I sat there for a long moment, utterly sated. The meal was a flawless execution of its concept. It was better than the one I had at that pretentious bistro on the Upper West Side last week. Far better.
And yet, as I left, “Chloe” chirped, “Have a great day!” with that same empty, surgical cheer. I gave her a tight, lipless smile in return. The food is impeccable. It’s the people that are the problem. If they could just be a little less… enthusiastic, a little more sterile and professional, then the entire experience would be unimpeachable. But for now, I’ll be back. The sandwich is that good.